But not all the great things that happened to us will stay nor last forever. I’m forever grateful that once in this lifetime, I loved and was loved by someone like you.
Halos apat na taon na. Pero bakit pakiramdam ko, nakakulong padin ako? Sa pagmamahal sa'yo, sa kung anong mga nagkaroon tayo, sa ikaw. Buong akala ko, nabuo ko na yung sarili ko. After 3 years, nakikipag balikan ka pero nagmatigas ako at pinaniwala sarili ko na di na kita mahal, di na kita gugustuhing bumalik pa. Pero nagkamali ako…
Hinihintay pala kita. Pero dahil sa pride ko, pinaniwala ko kayo na wala na, tinulak kita palayo, sinabing hindi na mababalik, pero hindi, ikaw parin pala, ikaw lang pala talaga. Sumubok akong magmahal ng iba, akala ko totoo na eh, pero ang tanga ko, ang sama ko, isang makasariling galaw para mapatunayan ko lang sa sarili ko na kaya ko nang magmahal ng iba, pero hindi pa pala.
Gusto ko nang makawala dito sa pagmamahal ko sa'yo. Alam kong ikaw, kayang kaya mo, ibigay yung pagmamahal mo ng buo para sa iba, pero bakit ako, sobrang nahihirapan? Ayoko na nito. Napapagod na ako, halos apat na taon na akong nagpapanggap na okay na, na matibay ako, na kaya ko na. Ayoko na ng pagmamahal na ‘to.
You were the very first person who made me felt loved and I, to love. I cannot imagine myself to be that so patient, so caring, so inlove with you. I even promised myself that I will never love somebody the same way i loved you. The capacity of myself to give somebody that love is unimaginable, I applaud myself for that. You made me love you, like that. I patiently waited for the rare chances to see you, to be with you because we started far away from each other. But that was completely fine with me, because I could and would wait, anyway.
I can still remember those late night talks, the immature, cringy but sweet messages we sent to each other for almost three years, the promises we made, the plans for our future, the you and me, me with you until the end but we ended.
The day you left. That day, I felt pain through my chest, crashing me to pieces, leaving me hopeless, you were my home but in that instant, I know, I became homeless.
I will never forget those days I begged you, tried to stop you, I didn’t want to just let those best things to be burned and became ashes that will be swept by the wind, by your coldness. You never listened, you never gave me chance to still try to fix and mend the broken us. Days, weeks, and months of hoping until you set your eyes and attention to someone else. And in that moment, I finally decided to start moving forward. To start over with the life of me, without you.
Days of hardships, weeks of trying to forget you, months of healing the pain you’ve caused, years of learning to love myself and above all, always put myself first. I started to enjoy life. No more pain, no more insecurities, no more “you” in my system. For those years, I pushed away several people who tried to care and to give love. Not because I’m still waiting for you, but because I wanted to heal and to make sure that I can love without any reservations but until now, I still can’t.
There are times that I tried to let people come in but I ended up having thoughts of the past that may happen again, it made mo so scared, I will never let myself to be in that same moment and situation again, I don’t want to feel the pain, again.
After almost 3 years, you came back and tried to win me back. The you who caused that pain. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have anymore grudges towards you. Believe me when I say I’ve forgiven you, bu I can’t still forget. I am truly thankful that “that” happened, I am considering that as my “lesson learned” in this lifetime. I became this strong independent woman (others may say), and you, coming back is not what I am expecting.
I always wanted to talk to you, I want to know your side about why you left, that easily. And hearing that from you, made and give me peace. I wanted us to talk and give each other peace, I’m not, again, expecting you to still want us be back together.
I’m sorry, I just can’t be sure of the thought of us getting back together. For years, I repainted my life without you, I removed your presence on the thoughts of my future, I am alone now. Of course I still want to be in a relationship again, I want to experience normal dates, and have a default companion whenever I want to go somewhere else. But I just can’t be sure that it’s still you, if it can still be you again. I don’t want to get your hopes up, I don’t want to waste your efforts to someone like me who cannot give you assurance that there’s a light in the finish line of the race track where you are running at this very moment. I want to apologize and thank you. For approaching and enlightening me about the back story of you walking away with no words left. But I can’t feel butterflies anymore, they once died years ago.
